What to know to sustain erotic connection in long-term love.
Part 1 of a series.
“We have a good relationship,” Alexis said as she began to explain why she and Sam had come in for couples therapy. “I feel like we’re so lucky in so many ways. I truly feel like I’m with my best friend. But…we are struggling sexually.”
Sam nodded quietly, taking Alexis’ hand as she started to cry. The tenderness between them was palpable, even if the heat was not. “Maybe we’re actually just meant to be friends,” she said through her tears. “But we want to try everything we can before we let this go.”
Alexis and Sam are, indeed, lucky in so many ways. Not only do they enjoy each other’s company, make each other laugh, and actively support each other, but they also chose to enter therapy together before the lack of sex in their relationship created irreparable pain and resentment. Over time, accidentally sexless relationships can lead to anger, confusion, loneliness, feelings of rejection and neglect, insecurity, lack of trust, and ultimately, separation.
But when the chemistry starts to fade, it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. With some knowledge about how to keep erotic connection alive, you can expect your sex life to last. Here’s what you need to know:
1. Early love has its own biology.
At the beginning of a new relationship, we are often consumed by love, and it’s glorious. We are flooded with positive feelings, graced with spontaneous desire, and we see our new partner with rose-colored glasses: They can do no wrong, and we feel like our favorite version of ourselves in their presence.
This phase is the best, and it’s no accident. Evolutionarily speaking, the honeymoon phase of a relationship is a biological phenomenon meant to entice us into procreation. Early attraction has a similar neurochemical profile to being on cocaine.
Our brains release dopamine, an addictive feel-good neurochemical that generates and perpetuates pleasure. We also get hits of adrenaline and norepinephrine, uppers that energize and activate our central nervous systems. All of this deactivates the part of our brain that, when not high on love, would step in with logical, analytical, critical thinking, so thoughts like, “I don’t know, the way they keep showing up late/talking over me/ghosting me for a few days/etc. feels kind of disrespectful and might drive me crazy over time” will have to wait.
Finally, all the physical and emotional closeness with our new partner leads to the production of oxytocin, otherwise known as “the bonding hormone.” This neurochemical keeps the love connection rolling in the right direction, promoting attachment and affection. All of this neurochemically-driven connection fuels fun and exciting early sexual chemistry.
2. The honeymoon phase doesn’t last.
This addictive state of early love is temporary. Just like our neurochemical response to any addictive substance changes over time, so does our neurochemical response to our new love interest.
I often hear clients say “the chemistry is gone.” And, well, yes! The chemistry, or the spontaneous neurochemical reaction to the other person’s presence, has probably faded. After ongoing exposure to each other, we actually build up a tolerance to the other person’s presence, and we no longer get the rush of hormones we enjoyed in the early days.
It’s the same kind of process as building up a tolerance to cocaine. After enough exposure, our bodies don’t have the same immediate neurochemical response. As a result, we don’t feel the spontaneous arousal and desire we did in the beginning.
But this doesn’t mean that your feelings for your partner (or theirs for you) have changed, or that your relationship is doomed. It just means that you have entered a new phase of your relationship, where you have to choose to keep the sexual connection alive rather than being stampeded by a cascade of uncontrollable hormones.
3. Understand the order of events.
Thanks to the physiology of early love, in a new sexual relationship, we often experience spontaneous desire, followed by arousal, which leads us to choose to engage in sexual behaviors with our new love. That’s the order of events: desire, arousal, sexual behavior.
As spontaneous arousal becomes harder to come by (no pun intended), we have to be willing to change the order of events. In long-term sexual connection, we have to choose sexual behavior because we value it, not because we are being urged forwards by our hormones. When we choose the behavior, we then create arousal in our bodies: stimulation, particularly of the erogenous zones, generates arousal.
No surprise. Once our bodies arouse, we then get the experience of desire. We end up with the same ingredients, we just had to put them in the soup in a new order: sexual behavior, arousal, desire. Once all the ingredients are in place, the soup can be quite similar to what we tasted early on—and maybe the flavors have even deepened with time.
4. Articulate why you value sex.
Sometimes it can feel scratchy to initiate sexual behavior when we aren’t already feeling desirous. It’s all too easy to choose the simple rest of TV, a book, or sleep at the end of a busy day; if you’re not motivated by a physical desire for sex, the desire for rest can win out.
Therefore, I always guide the couples I work with to take time to verbalize, together, why they value keeping their sex life alive. If you aren’t going to be automatically motivated by a biological sexual response, you can lean into other reasons to make the effort to stay sexually engaged: because you feel emotionally closer to your partner after sex; because it promotes relaxation; because you love the warm, snuggly pillow-talk space afterward; because it helps you feel more energized and lovingly connected to your own body; because once you get started, it’s still pleasurable and fun; and so on.
The truth is we do lots of things because we value them for important reasons, and not just because we feel a spontaneous desire in the moment. You might cook a meal even though you are tired because you value healthy food or family time around the table. You might go to church, the gym, or yoga even when the sofa is calling your name because you value your spiritual development, your health, or time with your community.
When it comes to sex, we often fall prey to the false belief that we have to desire it first. By articulating the reasons you value having an active sex life, you can stay motivated to put in the effort to get the ball rolling.
Choose to create the time and space for erotic, romantic connection for all the reasons you value it. It’s not unlike the Field of Dreams: if you build it, they will come (pun intended). All jokes aside, that baseball field had to be built first; the dreamers had to choose to value the vision and start building, and they trusted that if they created the space for it, the game would begin.
5. It’s OK if it feels awkward.
Because you often have to choose sexual behavior as the starting point, there’s a bridge you have to cross to get from your non-erotic state of being (thinking about bills, thinking about the kids, thinking about work) into your erotic state (thinking less, and being in the sensations and emotions of the moment). The bridge crossing is always a bit awkward, but that doesn’t mean something has gone wrong. As long as you actually want to be on the other side of that bridge, just keep going.
Most of us enter our adult relationships expecting that early sexual connections might be awkward but that over time, things smooth out and the awkwardness disappears. This is an important myth to bust.
It’s true that there can be some awkward moments as we get in the flow with someone new, but we have neurochemistry in our favor in that phase; all that dopamine helps us ride through nose bumps and sticky zippers without batting an eye. Without the help of the early love cocktail, those little jolting moments can be trickier, and might threaten to disrupt your arousal and desire response.
It’s OK. Let it ride. We all have what sexologist Emily Nagoski calls sexual “red lights.” You may have lost some speed, but it doesn’t mean you have to get off the road. If you expect some awkward bumps, they don’t have to be so disruptive. Just re-approach in ways that help get you back on track, and opt out of assigning critical meaning to the challenging moment.
The bottom line is that sexual connection does not have to die in long-term love, but it does change. In new relationships, sexual chemistry is driven by, well, chemistry. As love matures, we need to take the steering wheel, ourselves.
The key first step is understanding the changes that are at play so that you don’t pathologize your maturing love. With this critical knowledge on board, you are empowered as the driver of your own sex life; you can choose to stay sexually active for all the reasons you value having sex in your life. Keeping erotic connection alive is an intentional choice.
References
Carter CS, Porges SW. The biochemistry of love: an oxytocin hypothesis. EMBO Rep. 2013 Jan;14(1):12-6. doi: 10.1038/embor.2012.191. Epub 2012 Nov 27. PMID: 23184088; PMCID: PMC3537144.
Nagoski, E. 2015. Come as You Are. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
Perel, E. 2017. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Reprint). New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.