“Negative motivators” are powerful, but not always helpful.
Jordan and Kyra were emotional on my sofa. Kyra was crying. Jordan was bobbing his knee and gazing out the window, lock-jawed.
“We have been trying and trying to make this work,” Kyra offered through her tears. “But we only seem to keep hurting each other.”
Jordan nodded.
“Sometimes I think we should stop—but I feel like such a failure.” Kyra wiped her eyes. “And the kids,” she added. “I just can’t do that to the kids.”
Without knowing it, Jordan and Kyra were showing me where our work needed to begin.
“Let me ask you guys a question,” I said. “Are you staying together because of the strength of the positive factors or the strength of the negative factors?”
They met the question with sad silence. And so began an important new conversation.
Why Negative Motivators Backfire
Positive factors, like love and companionship, and negative factors, like fear and guilt, are both potent motivators when it comes to choosing to hold onto a relationship. But while they are both powerful, they are not equally constructive.
When we make big life decisions based on a desire to avoid a negative experience, it often backfires. For example, staying in an unhappy relationship to avoid grief prolongs the sadness inherent in the faltering relationship. Holding on to avoid guilt leads to resentment about your own ongoing pain. Muscling your way through to avoid shame could mean never finding the peace available in your own self-acceptance. That which we resist persists, so by staying in a relationship to avoid painful consequences, we unwittingly prolong those very experiences we fear.
It’s understandable that we are motivated to avoid negative factors. Ending relationships can be painful emotionally, financially, socially, and logistically. But when we stay in a relationship that needs to end, we may be doing more harm than good. We can create cycles of bitterness, depression, dishonesty, or even hostility. These outcomes can be more damaging than a healthy, albeit scary, goodbye.
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Cultural narratives around divorce have spun a web of fears that often lead couples to hold on beyond a healthy breakup point. Contrary to the “family values” messaging that runs deep in our collective psyche, divorce itself is not the damaging force when it comes to the mental and emotional wellness of the grown-up and the kids involved; the real culprits are a household thick with animosity and parental distress. Maintaining a relationship that is high in conflict or is leading to despair for the adults only prolongs these destructive forces.
The Power of Positive Motivators
When you stay together for positive reasons, such as the love you still feel, your co-enjoyment of your family, or the hopes and dreams you still share, you are more likely to grow the relational experience you desire. The flip side of “that which we resist persists” is that whatever we nourish will expand. If you can follow an authentic desire to be together and lean into what you love about your relationship, you may be able to expand on that positive foundation.
Ask yourself, “When are we at our best? What do I most value and love about our relationship?” Are your favorite memories from the times you took on projects together, intentionally engaging in that DIY house repair? Did you always feel close after deep talks, carving out time to sit and chat about hopes and dreams, the challenges of your day, the news, or even the kids (if you have kids together, raising them is your most robust joint project)? Is your physical connection a strength? Lean into it.
The positive factors don’t have to be things that have historically been a strength—they can also be things you mutually desire to experience more of together. Shared visions are important positive factors. Choosing to focus on creating what you crave is more productive than perpetually focusing on the sting caused by what’s missing. Like all things relational, this is not a black-and-white rule, and I’m not suggesting you should suppress the hard stuff. In fact, expressing your pain and your anger is a critical part of maintaining intimacy. A couples therapist can play a part here, helping you talk (and listen!) about old hurts in new ways that promote healing.
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Once you have expressed your pain and you feel witnessed, it’s time to move on to the co-creation stage. Water the plants that you want to grow. If you’re craving more energy and vitality in your relationship, have new adventures and learn new things together. Increase your sense of joy by going on playful dates and spending more time with friends as a couple. To nourish intimacy, spend intentional time together with limited distractions, and challenge yourselves to talk openly and increase both affectionate and sensual touch. Putting energy into these positive experiences can fortify your connection and close the gaps between you.
Conclusion
Offer yourself some grace and flexibility. We are all humans doing the best we can in a complex life where hard things happen and pain can’t be avoided. Just because an ending may be painful doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Try accepting that sometimes ending a relationship is a healthy, growth-oriented choice which, despite the hardship that may be involved, could be in everyone’s best interest. Allowing space for this possibility can help reduce the power of the negative forces.
Plus, loosening the strings on the negative binds that hold you together doesn’t necessarily mean you will let go. In fact, once the negative forces are neutralized, you may be more able to focus, instead, on the positive reasons to stay together. Think of it this way: if you are telling yourself you have to stay, you aren’t giving yourself the opportunity to stay because you want to. If you find there aren’t enough positive factors to lead you to want to, then it may be that allowing the relationship to end is the healthiest choice for everyone involved.