I worked with a new couple last weekend, and they told me about their painful dynamic of her wanting more emotional connection than comes naturally to him. I pointed out that they are not alone – that this is a common gendered difference experienced by many heterosexual couples. She looked at him with new tears on her cheeks and said, “But I don’t want to live in the old stereotypes. I want something more. Can’t we do better than the stereotype?”
I thought of an article I wrote back in 2020 that has been read over 100,000 times, called “Am I Asking Too Much.” It’s all about wanting more connection in our partnerships, and the conundrum of wondering whether we get to want what we want. The amount of attention this article has received is out of scale with the rest of my blog. The second most read article comes in at 50,000 reads – HALF as many (interestingly, it’s about what to do when we aren’t sure we want to stay in a relationship anymore!). Most of my articles come in at more like 5,000 reads.
So why is the question of whether we get to ask for the connection we crave speaking to so many people?
Some people might say it’s a bit depressing to know that so many women are in relationships that leave them wanting more emotional intimacy. But I see an alternative perspective: The fact that so many women are speaking up about wanting more is the sign of a movement. An awakening. It’s evidence that we are ready to hear and honor our own cries and desires. It means that we believe untapped layers of intimacy exist. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be asking for more. This is not depressing…this is hope.
It’s not a coincidence that this awakening is happening at the same time as our current cultural and political backlash against women’s rights and freedoms.
It’s not a coincidence that while the movement towards an awakening surges, so does the counter-movement that derides being woke.
It’s not a coincidence that as a formerly oppressed group taps into the ultimate power of being able to ask for what they desire, the forces that want to maintain their power-over status push back.
The personal is political and the political is personal, and the fact that these personal conversations are happening in the context of today’s politics is not a coincidence. We are like one giant energetic amoeba pushing left and right, stretching up and stretching down, flaring in the edges as we grow towards inevitable evolution.
This isn’t about men vs. women. This isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. This isn’t about fault or blame. It is about communal awakening. We are one. We all benefit from this expansion and deepening.
We are in this together.
But because connection and vulnerability land squarely in the purview of women’s conditioned role, it is often women’s voices insisting that new risks be taken in the name of intimacy. Learning to trust that we can take up the space required to ask for more is half the battle – and it’s a battle that leads to a win for everyone.
Keep tapping into your heart’s desire. Keep believing in your right and power to ask for what you want. Keep wanting to grow beyond the stereotypes. Keep wanting to be better and do better. Keep believing in progress, even on the days when it feels like the growing pains might break you.
And always remember – you are not alone.
~Lindsay
HEY THERAPISTS!!
New reduced group registration rate available for
Caring Through Crisis: Providing Compassionate Care in Challenging Times !!
If you have a group of 3 or more, registration is $120/person.
Join me on May 2nd at All Souls Interfaith Gathering in Vermont. We will come together to talk all about what it means to be a therapist in the midst of today’s cultural crisis — how it is impacting our clients, ourselves, and our work. 6 CEs available — details on registration page!